i don't know.

i realize that it's been quite some time.
whatever. it doesn't really matter. i have had A LOT going on in my life.
maybe not so much in my life, as in my soul. i've had a lot going on in my soul.

ya know... blogging can be... somewhat intimidating. you are opening up yourself to people, you're willingly being vulnerable. and you're saying- this is me. it's private. but when you post the blog... it's not private anymore.

so, there are plenty of things i could tell you. i could talk to you as if we were the only people in the room. but i can't do that. because... we aren't. i could share with you all the small details of every part of my life that is difficult or challenging. i could tell you my dreams, i could tell you my fears. but i can't.

i can tell you this: the process of growing up is really painful. it's powerful, and passionate, but so painful. with my life, as an example- it seems that i can make plans- or at least, have an idea of where things are headed... and then suddenly, in the words of my sister, i am "ripped up by my roots".

if i am a plant, there has never been time for my roots to take to the soil. i have never been comfortable. i have been shifted, and i have sat under the weight of dirt, rain, and all sorts of storms.

but.

the important thing is.. i'm still growing. there is growth. there isn't a seed, there isn't a dying plant, there is something that is reaching up for the sunlight. something that is digging down deep, trying so hard to take root.

and this is what my life has been. from the day i was born. grow, God told me.

so i will.