i am pleased to announce that i'm moving my blog to www.actuallykatie.com
...this blog will remain up for a while, because i'm so attached to it. but new posts will now be on the other site. i hope you'll continue to read and grow with me.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
christmas eve eve.
i am not a believer in new year's eve resolutions because i think you should start immediately instead of using a specific date as an excuse for motivation... usually a motivation that flickers and fades out pretty quickly.
however, i am a believer in fresh starts.
i've basically been forced into a fresh start as of late. my dad's death marked a new chapter in my life in more ways than one. i am reminded of the brevity of life, jarred into a sense of reality, wide awake and re-evaluating everything.
i love to write.
i write on napkins, sticky notes, envelopes. i write small notes and ideas in the memo app on my phone. i have stacks of journals, and cases of them that i lost to hurricane katrina. i have hundreds of drafted emails and word documents on this computer. i love a blank, new sheet of paper but i cannot bear to leave it empty.
it has been difficult to keep the dozen-or-so random day jobs i've had, when forever in the back of my mind i'm thinking, "i need to write that down... i need to write this down... and this..."
it hurts me, physically, that i have not committed more seriously to my writing. God forgive me for not pursuing something you've made me passionate about.
the thing about being a writer is that you absolutely hate it. you love it, but really you hate it. every writer is a little weird. every writer has an odd expression behind their eyes. i've never met a writer that didn't look pre-occupied constantly.
you hear someone say something and you spend twenty minutes thinking about just one sentence that they've said, either thinking it would be a brilliant line in a story or that it's the worst thing you've ever heard. you'll laugh about it in a few weeks because you wrote it down somewhere and you'll never forget it.
(if you are my friend or family, i have one or more quotes from you written down somewhere. there is no question about it.)
writers are usually misunderstood. deeply complicated but profoundly simple. writers itch to understand, love strongly, and spend too much time in reflection. i know this because i am close friends with many writers, and i would like to say i am even related to a few.
my fresh start is that i will become the writer i want to be. i will actually work at it, not play around. so what, it's a dream. well it's not going anywhere unless i use it. it's just sitting there.
i regret that my dad died only have read a few of the things i had ever written. i regret that the people i love most have not yet held one of my books in their hands. i regret that i have yet to see my name in ink.
regret will get me nowhere.
new page.
however, i am a believer in fresh starts.
i've basically been forced into a fresh start as of late. my dad's death marked a new chapter in my life in more ways than one. i am reminded of the brevity of life, jarred into a sense of reality, wide awake and re-evaluating everything.
i love to write.
i write on napkins, sticky notes, envelopes. i write small notes and ideas in the memo app on my phone. i have stacks of journals, and cases of them that i lost to hurricane katrina. i have hundreds of drafted emails and word documents on this computer. i love a blank, new sheet of paper but i cannot bear to leave it empty.
it has been difficult to keep the dozen-or-so random day jobs i've had, when forever in the back of my mind i'm thinking, "i need to write that down... i need to write this down... and this..."
it hurts me, physically, that i have not committed more seriously to my writing. God forgive me for not pursuing something you've made me passionate about.
the thing about being a writer is that you absolutely hate it. you love it, but really you hate it. every writer is a little weird. every writer has an odd expression behind their eyes. i've never met a writer that didn't look pre-occupied constantly.
you hear someone say something and you spend twenty minutes thinking about just one sentence that they've said, either thinking it would be a brilliant line in a story or that it's the worst thing you've ever heard. you'll laugh about it in a few weeks because you wrote it down somewhere and you'll never forget it.
(if you are my friend or family, i have one or more quotes from you written down somewhere. there is no question about it.)
writers are usually misunderstood. deeply complicated but profoundly simple. writers itch to understand, love strongly, and spend too much time in reflection. i know this because i am close friends with many writers, and i would like to say i am even related to a few.
my fresh start is that i will become the writer i want to be. i will actually work at it, not play around. so what, it's a dream. well it's not going anywhere unless i use it. it's just sitting there.
i regret that my dad died only have read a few of the things i had ever written. i regret that the people i love most have not yet held one of my books in their hands. i regret that i have yet to see my name in ink.
regret will get me nowhere.
new page.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
holy fear.
how many times in the past few months have i sat alone in my room and told God, "i dont understand."
it isn't supposed to be confusing. i've decided this: i am not supposed to understand. i am a very, very, very little person on a very big planet. to God i'm probably just like the speck on 'horton hears a who'. i am not supposed to understand or question or be confused. i can take comfort in this... i am not alone. i'm safe. and whatever happens, is all part of a plan.
you can trust Jesus because you will never understand Him. it is the pursuit of Someone much greater than you can ever imagine that produces holy fear; reverence and awe of a Being that swallows everything in His path.
you can find peace and rest in the fact that this overwhelmingly huge God keeps His gaze trained on you. every single minute, of every hour, of every day. you can find relief from worry and stress because He is in control and you aren't, and you don't have to be, and you never will be.
so, feeling as if you are blind folded and groping for the light switch is all part of the joy of life. it is a free fall into completely trusting the grace of Abba. “i don’t know what i'm doing, but You do.” so you take every day believing that it will work out, you’ll be o.k. someone’s got an eye on you.
“i don’t know who i am, but You do.” the One who designed the shape of your face, the contours of your smile, the small cracking wrinkles around your eyes… He knows what His intention is for you. all you really have to do is get out of bed every morning and try your hardest to fully love and fear Him.
this is incredible. what a gift, to be so small! what a pleasure, to feel so tiny and so safe.
fear of the Lord leads to life. - Proverbs 19:23
it isn't supposed to be confusing. i've decided this: i am not supposed to understand. i am a very, very, very little person on a very big planet. to God i'm probably just like the speck on 'horton hears a who'. i am not supposed to understand or question or be confused. i can take comfort in this... i am not alone. i'm safe. and whatever happens, is all part of a plan.
you can trust Jesus because you will never understand Him. it is the pursuit of Someone much greater than you can ever imagine that produces holy fear; reverence and awe of a Being that swallows everything in His path.
you can find peace and rest in the fact that this overwhelmingly huge God keeps His gaze trained on you. every single minute, of every hour, of every day. you can find relief from worry and stress because He is in control and you aren't, and you don't have to be, and you never will be.
so, feeling as if you are blind folded and groping for the light switch is all part of the joy of life. it is a free fall into completely trusting the grace of Abba. “i don’t know what i'm doing, but You do.” so you take every day believing that it will work out, you’ll be o.k. someone’s got an eye on you.
“i don’t know who i am, but You do.” the One who designed the shape of your face, the contours of your smile, the small cracking wrinkles around your eyes… He knows what His intention is for you. all you really have to do is get out of bed every morning and try your hardest to fully love and fear Him.
this is incredible. what a gift, to be so small! what a pleasure, to feel so tiny and so safe.
fear of the Lord leads to life. - Proverbs 19:23
Saturday, December 17, 2011
not much.
signed into blogspot to discover that a draft i had written a few days ago posted on accident... charming.
in the least possible grinch-like-way, i am so ready for the holidays to be over. i have not had the greatest week. i have had a difficult month. and actually, overall, it's been a milestone year.
for the past several days i wasn't feeling so well. one day it was a fever, the next day it felt like a flu.. then just a cold.. i'm honestly really confused with the difference between all of those anyway. every day has been tough. every song heard has made me long for my dad. every hour seemed to drag. i have prayed and wept and spent more time sleeping than i would care to admit.
i understand that most of the beauty in life is the struggle and growing part. i understand that maturity comes with hard lessons. i understand that the endearing stories are the ones marked with tragedy and triumph.
sometimes i just wonder at the cards i've been dealt.
sorry, guys. next post will be more cheery. i would continue to encourage you to embrace every moment of your life.. thank you for reading, thank you for caring enough to share a moment of your day with me.
in the least possible grinch-like-way, i am so ready for the holidays to be over. i have not had the greatest week. i have had a difficult month. and actually, overall, it's been a milestone year.
for the past several days i wasn't feeling so well. one day it was a fever, the next day it felt like a flu.. then just a cold.. i'm honestly really confused with the difference between all of those anyway. every day has been tough. every song heard has made me long for my dad. every hour seemed to drag. i have prayed and wept and spent more time sleeping than i would care to admit.
i understand that most of the beauty in life is the struggle and growing part. i understand that maturity comes with hard lessons. i understand that the endearing stories are the ones marked with tragedy and triumph.
sometimes i just wonder at the cards i've been dealt.
sorry, guys. next post will be more cheery. i would continue to encourage you to embrace every moment of your life.. thank you for reading, thank you for caring enough to share a moment of your day with me.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
this is love.
I have been overwhelmed with the weight of Jesus’ love lately. how much he loves me. and the idea/realization that love was really what he was and IS all about.
My dad died a little over a month ago. I was at cane’s, with my cousin, eating french fries. Dad text me about coming home, wanting to know how late I was gonna be. he gave me the usual speech about driving safely, buckle up, etc. I responded to his text message by saying that I wasn’t tired but I wouldn’t be home too late. he answered back and told me to text him when I was almost home, and he would leave the porch light on for me and unlock the door right before I got there.
this was my last conversation with him. not even twenty minutes later, I received a phone call with my mother’s desperate voice on the other side, “I think your daddy just had a heart attack.”
what a story. the story of my father’s death.
you can learn a lot about someone by knowing what they said and did in the moments right before they died. the truth is, everyone will have a story of their death. some of us will see it coming, we will be old and grey. either in a hospital or in our easy chair at home. for others, death will come like a thief, with no warning.
my dad certainly did not know he was about to die. I can say confidently that none of us saw it coming. and as heartbreaking as it is to lose him, the moments before his death speak volumes of the life that he lead.
he was being love... by loving me, my sisters, my mom. by loving Jesus and loving people.
I hope that I can be that picture of the love of Jesus. that even in my last seconds on earth, I am caring about someone and showing them what love looks like. what a testimony it would be if in my last breath I was telling someone.. “be safe coming home. I’ll leave the light on for you. I’ll wait up to make sure you’ve made it.”
this is a picture of Jesus. sounds exactly like something he would say.
“by this all men will know that you are my disciples… if you love one another.” – Jesus said that in John chapter 13. if you want to be like Me, then love people. it’s that simple.
the story of Jesus’ life was that he loved people, and he loved his Father. this is also my dad’s story. this can be your story. I believe, now more than ever, that love is the solution to most of the issues I may face. and I hope it will be my story too.
My dad died a little over a month ago. I was at cane’s, with my cousin, eating french fries. Dad text me about coming home, wanting to know how late I was gonna be. he gave me the usual speech about driving safely, buckle up, etc. I responded to his text message by saying that I wasn’t tired but I wouldn’t be home too late. he answered back and told me to text him when I was almost home, and he would leave the porch light on for me and unlock the door right before I got there.
this was my last conversation with him. not even twenty minutes later, I received a phone call with my mother’s desperate voice on the other side, “I think your daddy just had a heart attack.”
what a story. the story of my father’s death.
you can learn a lot about someone by knowing what they said and did in the moments right before they died. the truth is, everyone will have a story of their death. some of us will see it coming, we will be old and grey. either in a hospital or in our easy chair at home. for others, death will come like a thief, with no warning.
my dad certainly did not know he was about to die. I can say confidently that none of us saw it coming. and as heartbreaking as it is to lose him, the moments before his death speak volumes of the life that he lead.
he was being love... by loving me, my sisters, my mom. by loving Jesus and loving people.
I hope that I can be that picture of the love of Jesus. that even in my last seconds on earth, I am caring about someone and showing them what love looks like. what a testimony it would be if in my last breath I was telling someone.. “be safe coming home. I’ll leave the light on for you. I’ll wait up to make sure you’ve made it.”
this is a picture of Jesus. sounds exactly like something he would say.
“by this all men will know that you are my disciples… if you love one another.” – Jesus said that in John chapter 13. if you want to be like Me, then love people. it’s that simple.
the story of Jesus’ life was that he loved people, and he loved his Father. this is also my dad’s story. this can be your story. I believe, now more than ever, that love is the solution to most of the issues I may face. and I hope it will be my story too.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
winter's arrival.
thank you, cold weather, for finally deciding to arrive. you are romantic, you make me feel wide awake, you keep people on their toes, and it just seems like you put everyone in a better mood.
thank you, jesus, for keeping me warm with your love and your peace that fills my heart to the brim. and thank you, life, for being really wonderful even when you're difficult. it's all still worth it.
he said... "my grace is all you need. my power works best in weakness." -2cor12:9nlt
thank you, jesus, for keeping me warm with your love and your peace that fills my heart to the brim. and thank you, life, for being really wonderful even when you're difficult. it's all still worth it.he said... "my grace is all you need. my power works best in weakness." -2cor12:9nlt
Sunday, November 27, 2011
excerpt.
"God asks each of us to accept our own "cross"... our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today, the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it- this is our true cross.
...all this, and more, Christ asks you to accept and allow him to share.
in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. what happens in this encounter with the crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies: his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement.
...his cry on the cross was our cry of desperate alienation from God taken up into his and transformed through the ressurection. as we allow ourselves to experience our own pain, we can know that what we feel is Christ suffering in us and redeeming us. rather than condemning ourselves for our weakness and making self-conscious efforts to try harder, we can allow the Crucified to love us in our brokenness."
-brennan manning, 'the signature of Jesus'
...all this, and more, Christ asks you to accept and allow him to share.
in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. what happens in this encounter with the crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies: his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement.
...his cry on the cross was our cry of desperate alienation from God taken up into his and transformed through the ressurection. as we allow ourselves to experience our own pain, we can know that what we feel is Christ suffering in us and redeeming us. rather than condemning ourselves for our weakness and making self-conscious efforts to try harder, we can allow the Crucified to love us in our brokenness."
-brennan manning, 'the signature of Jesus'
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
firsts.
celebrated my first birthday without my dad. he loved birthdays, and pretty much any special occasion. around this time of year, he would be asking me every other day.. "what'd ya get me for christmas? can i open it now?" ...i miss him.
it was a really beautiful weekend. i felt very loved. got a handful of starbucks gift cards, some very pretty rings, lovely winter boots, and a lot of warm hugs. shared some laughs, learned to appreciate the art of drinking hot tea, swapped getting-out-of-speeding-ticket stories, solved some "who-dun-it" mysteries, spent time with old friends and made some new ones.
the trees are changing colors and the wind is blowing. it's almost as if change is tangible, in the form of the weather. things are going to be really different. that's what the wind is saying. it's gonna be tough, but still good.
just very different.
it was a really beautiful weekend. i felt very loved. got a handful of starbucks gift cards, some very pretty rings, lovely winter boots, and a lot of warm hugs. shared some laughs, learned to appreciate the art of drinking hot tea, swapped getting-out-of-speeding-ticket stories, solved some "who-dun-it" mysteries, spent time with old friends and made some new ones.
the trees are changing colors and the wind is blowing. it's almost as if change is tangible, in the form of the weather. things are going to be really different. that's what the wind is saying. it's gonna be tough, but still good.
just very different.
Monday, November 7, 2011
monday.
life is an envelope that you climb inside of, and mail yourself off- hoping you end up in the right hands.
Friday, November 4, 2011
accepting.
i will admit that this week has not been the easiest.
after you recover from the initial shock of someone's death, you hit this wall of emotions and it's like the weirdest roller coaster you've ever ridden. i've never in one week been so disappointed, confused, angry, relieved, grateful, at war and at peace.. all at once.
i hate to turn this blog into venting sessions about losing my father. but yesterday was basically horrible. one minute i was minding my own business at work, probably filing papers or something.. and the next, i feel myself starting to cry- i can't breathe- it feels as though someone is pushing down on my chest.. and i can't stop myself from sobbing. like a little kid.
somewhere in my mind i hear myself talking to me, or to my dad, and i felt like i suddenly asked him.. "you're not coming back, are you?"
a part of me really hoped it was a bad dream, his death. it's beginning to sink in that i am very much awake, and not dreaming at all.
after you recover from the initial shock of someone's death, you hit this wall of emotions and it's like the weirdest roller coaster you've ever ridden. i've never in one week been so disappointed, confused, angry, relieved, grateful, at war and at peace.. all at once.
i hate to turn this blog into venting sessions about losing my father. but yesterday was basically horrible. one minute i was minding my own business at work, probably filing papers or something.. and the next, i feel myself starting to cry- i can't breathe- it feels as though someone is pushing down on my chest.. and i can't stop myself from sobbing. like a little kid.
somewhere in my mind i hear myself talking to me, or to my dad, and i felt like i suddenly asked him.. "you're not coming back, are you?"
a part of me really hoped it was a bad dream, his death. it's beginning to sink in that i am very much awake, and not dreaming at all.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
short sweet.
i can see why people love pinterest. it fuels creativity. my co-worker is currently making me a wall decoration from toilet paper rolls. (don't judge..) and i have discovered my next project will be making a DIY braided scarf. i'll post pictures of these. scout's honor.
it's a little weird and stiff feeling knowing that thanksgiving and christmas are so close. however, i feel very awake, very present, and very aware of the brevity of life. i am so grateful. so thankful for each moment, each waking hour that my eyes open and i inhale- a new day.
it'll be my birthday soon. and november is my favorite month. i'm going to try to make the very best of it.
it's a little weird and stiff feeling knowing that thanksgiving and christmas are so close. however, i feel very awake, very present, and very aware of the brevity of life. i am so grateful. so thankful for each moment, each waking hour that my eyes open and i inhale- a new day.
it'll be my birthday soon. and november is my favorite month. i'm going to try to make the very best of it.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
daddy.
I’d like to thank you for teaching me rhythm, and how to clap my hands. I can’t remember a day passing that you didn’t clap about something, either with a song that might be playing or from the sheer joy you derived from life.
And everything you ever did, you did well. Without actually saying the words, you said, “I will do this with everything I am capable of, and I will take pride in it.”
Thank you for teaching me how to read a book without creasing the cover, keeping it in pristine condition.
Also- for teaching me how to: “strategically” pack a hundred suitcases into a trunk, detail a car, throw a curveball, polish a guitar, understand every player’s position in a football game, and fix any illness with your go-to solution- “drink orange juice.”
Thank you, too, for all of those millions of lead-by-example moments that I was never aware of until now. You were a hard worker. You were humble. You were passionate about worship and understanding the Bible.
And thank you for being who God made you to be. With your happy little kid laugh, your crisp communication style, your eloquence, your humor, and your genuine love for people.
I think if I could have said anything to you before you left this earth, I would have said, “Thank you for your patience with me.” I know I have been a stubborn daughter and I regret not always listening to your wisdom & advice, but somehow you had all the confidence in the world in me. Somehow you didn’t see me as an acorn- you saw me as a big, strong oak tree.
In the weeks before you died, I remember I called you and told you that you were a great Dad. I cried and you chuckled on the other end of the line and said, “Thanks, kiddo.”
Thousands of memories collect in my brain and brim over, I am grateful for each one. Grateful that I had the time with you that I did. Grateful that I will see you again.
Yes, I would definitely have said, “Thank you for your patience.” And I think I also would have wanted to say… “I will do my best to make you proud.”
I will try to make you proud.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
just calm down.
the only thing i see on the news (it seems) is violence. and a huge issue in our schools today is violence. and i talk to teenage girls who are either indirectly involved in violence or have themselves struggled with violence. all forms of violence- from fist-fighting to yelling to cursing... you get it...
anger. rage. hate. revenge. malice.
to change the subject (and hopefully tie the two subjects back in together later)... Jesus was probably the coolest human being you could ever hear about. i've read about a lot of cool people, and some of them are definitely worth emulating. but no one has ever come close to being anything like Jesus.
not only did Jesus have a brilliant mind, but he learned (and showed us by example) how to master the roller-coaster that is human emotion. i'm sure there were millions of times he felt anger, and i know for a fact that he was treated cruely and had every right to be filled with rage. but Jesus was an incredibly calm man. he was a man that would exude peace into a crowd just by walking into it. he was nothing but gentle, nothing but kind, nothing but peaceful. no matter what the circumstance.
he was betrayed by one of his best friends, and the bible recounts the story of peter pulling out a sword and cutting off a slave's ear (trying to pick a fight, basically) out of his anger. (luke chapter 22) Jesus was about to be hauled off by these men, and instead of lashing out- he healed the servant's ear, and told peter to put his sword away.
i wonder what would happen in our high schools if, when one of us was punched or spit on, instead of fighting back, we would stop and pray, and ask God to heal the situation.
Jesus was anything but violent. as a matter of fact, the only sign of any form of "anger" that the bible gives us is when Jesus finds people selling common items inside of the temple. i'm sure he was insulted, hurt, and completely heartbroken. he reacted by toppling all of the tables over and saying (in what i think would be a dissapointed/frustrated cry) "the scriptures declare- my house will be called a house of prayer! but you have turned it into a den of thieves!" (matthew chapter 21)
it's also worth noting that immediately after doing this, the blind and the lame began pouring into the temple for Jesus to heal them. he was the picture of love and grace.
what i'm getting at is... if rage and hatred and anger fuel you to react in violence, then something is wrong. if you can't walk away from a fight, or if you can't turn off the TV instead of watching violence (which, in turn, makes you more comfortable around it), or if you can't choose to stay calm instead of getting angry... you need to evaluate your own heart and see if the peace of Jesus is really inside of you.
maybe this blog isn't for someone like you.... i know i'm not a violent person, but i've been exposed to it by some people who really need peace. if it IS for you, i'd like to pray with you. if not, find someone who needs prayer for their issues with violence. you probably already know a few people without even searching.
let's be nothing but gentle. nothing but kind. nothing but peaceful, no matter the circumstance.
anger. rage. hate. revenge. malice.
to change the subject (and hopefully tie the two subjects back in together later)... Jesus was probably the coolest human being you could ever hear about. i've read about a lot of cool people, and some of them are definitely worth emulating. but no one has ever come close to being anything like Jesus.
not only did Jesus have a brilliant mind, but he learned (and showed us by example) how to master the roller-coaster that is human emotion. i'm sure there were millions of times he felt anger, and i know for a fact that he was treated cruely and had every right to be filled with rage. but Jesus was an incredibly calm man. he was a man that would exude peace into a crowd just by walking into it. he was nothing but gentle, nothing but kind, nothing but peaceful. no matter what the circumstance.
he was betrayed by one of his best friends, and the bible recounts the story of peter pulling out a sword and cutting off a slave's ear (trying to pick a fight, basically) out of his anger. (luke chapter 22) Jesus was about to be hauled off by these men, and instead of lashing out- he healed the servant's ear, and told peter to put his sword away.
i wonder what would happen in our high schools if, when one of us was punched or spit on, instead of fighting back, we would stop and pray, and ask God to heal the situation.
Jesus was anything but violent. as a matter of fact, the only sign of any form of "anger" that the bible gives us is when Jesus finds people selling common items inside of the temple. i'm sure he was insulted, hurt, and completely heartbroken. he reacted by toppling all of the tables over and saying (in what i think would be a dissapointed/frustrated cry) "the scriptures declare- my house will be called a house of prayer! but you have turned it into a den of thieves!" (matthew chapter 21)
it's also worth noting that immediately after doing this, the blind and the lame began pouring into the temple for Jesus to heal them. he was the picture of love and grace.
what i'm getting at is... if rage and hatred and anger fuel you to react in violence, then something is wrong. if you can't walk away from a fight, or if you can't turn off the TV instead of watching violence (which, in turn, makes you more comfortable around it), or if you can't choose to stay calm instead of getting angry... you need to evaluate your own heart and see if the peace of Jesus is really inside of you.
maybe this blog isn't for someone like you.... i know i'm not a violent person, but i've been exposed to it by some people who really need peace. if it IS for you, i'd like to pray with you. if not, find someone who needs prayer for their issues with violence. you probably already know a few people without even searching.
let's be nothing but gentle. nothing but kind. nothing but peaceful, no matter the circumstance.
Friday, October 14, 2011
mr. right.
ignorance really is bliss. do you remember being young, stupid, and completely happy?
...okay.
i think our expectations as girls change over the years. time wears us down, as it teaches it lessons it also kinda squishes our dreams with each passing hour... like jello.
as a six or seven year old, we dream of "prince charming" riding in on the white horse and sweeping us off into the sunset. then when we're twelve/thirteen we're like, "oh, if only he could have blue eyes!!" ...around sixteen we just want a guy who plays a sport. God, make him a future NBA player! and then into our early twenties it's like, "I'd just like a guy who prefers to be sober on the weekends." and a few years later... "nevermind, if he can just have a clean driving record i'll be happy."
so.. timeline time:
young girl: ridiculous expectations of a smoldering, strong man who is the perfect blend of sensitive, smart, and funny.
pre-teen: i no longer care if he's smoldering, he just needs to be cute and smile at me occasionally. wedding bells are ringing!!!
teenager: must have a sense of humor... a.k.a. act like a complete idiot because that's what's "cool" right now.
pre-adult: alright, who cares if he's funny. God just send me a decent man!! are there any of those alive?!
adult: nevermind. he's ugly. he has the personality of a frog. but he has a good driving record. wedding bells!!!
i'll speak for myself- i've lowered my standards a lot. i've let time chip away at me, i've let the jerks in my past wear me down and make me lose faith. i remember hoping for the perfect guy as a little girl and then, with every passing "season" of life, believing that someone perfect actually doesn't exist. he isn't real. i've created him in my dreams, he's fictional.
but a part of me (a very small part) has to figuratively keep it's fingers crossed. that part of me has to trust that this perfect guy is somewhere right now, waiting for someone like me. i realize he will not literally be perfect... he's human, so he'll have his flaws, but he will be perfect FOR me. he WILL be smoldering.. and funny.. and the perfect blend of sensitive and smart.
and, ya know what, he might even have a really great driving record.
...okay.
i think our expectations as girls change over the years. time wears us down, as it teaches it lessons it also kinda squishes our dreams with each passing hour... like jello.
as a six or seven year old, we dream of "prince charming" riding in on the white horse and sweeping us off into the sunset. then when we're twelve/thirteen we're like, "oh, if only he could have blue eyes!!" ...around sixteen we just want a guy who plays a sport. God, make him a future NBA player! and then into our early twenties it's like, "I'd just like a guy who prefers to be sober on the weekends." and a few years later... "nevermind, if he can just have a clean driving record i'll be happy."
so.. timeline time:
young girl: ridiculous expectations of a smoldering, strong man who is the perfect blend of sensitive, smart, and funny.
pre-teen: i no longer care if he's smoldering, he just needs to be cute and smile at me occasionally. wedding bells are ringing!!!
teenager: must have a sense of humor... a.k.a. act like a complete idiot because that's what's "cool" right now.
pre-adult: alright, who cares if he's funny. God just send me a decent man!! are there any of those alive?!
adult: nevermind. he's ugly. he has the personality of a frog. but he has a good driving record. wedding bells!!!
i'll speak for myself- i've lowered my standards a lot. i've let time chip away at me, i've let the jerks in my past wear me down and make me lose faith. i remember hoping for the perfect guy as a little girl and then, with every passing "season" of life, believing that someone perfect actually doesn't exist. he isn't real. i've created him in my dreams, he's fictional.
but a part of me (a very small part) has to figuratively keep it's fingers crossed. that part of me has to trust that this perfect guy is somewhere right now, waiting for someone like me. i realize he will not literally be perfect... he's human, so he'll have his flaws, but he will be perfect FOR me. he WILL be smoldering.. and funny.. and the perfect blend of sensitive and smart.
and, ya know what, he might even have a really great driving record.
Monday, October 3, 2011
well, hi.
it's very easy for me to get distracted with online shopping. there seems to be a sudden overflow of elephant-themed jewelry on every website i visit, and i can't stop myself from clicking on each and every piece.. and before i know it, an hour has passed.
dernit.
today was lovely. my life, really, at the moment is lovely. i will openly admit that i have very little sense of direction and, on a good day, about ten dollars to my name. but how can i complain? how can i be anything but grateful?
i find myself very vulnerable to what each day holds for me, as every second/minute/hour unfolds, i am completely willing to go wherever it takes me. today the weather was divine and i spent some time sitting outside reading, reflecting, listening to nature. i feel very close to God when i am outdoors. sitting on the earth, something His hands have formed. listening to sounds He likes to hear- wind, birds, laughter floating in the air.
besides being vulnerable and willing to embrace life, i am learning about boundaries. the liberty that comes with just saying "no." instead of just accepting every obstacle people throw at me. i don't want to do that, you can't treat me that way, this doesn't make me happy. drawing lines in the sand for people to keep them from taking advantage of me. the beauty of growing up!!
and, if this is even possible, i am overwhelmingly grateful. as always, but even more so. i love my family so much. i would never envy anyone elses family, or wish to trade anyone's place for my own. i have an overflowing, deep life. warmth and kindness and so much joy in my family and friends. people on the outside must look at me and say, geez how did that kid get so lucky? i have no idea.
hopefully this month i'll be a more dedicated blogger. hopefully this month will be the most fulfilling, beautiful october you and i have ever had. thank you for reading.
dernit.
today was lovely. my life, really, at the moment is lovely. i will openly admit that i have very little sense of direction and, on a good day, about ten dollars to my name. but how can i complain? how can i be anything but grateful?
i find myself very vulnerable to what each day holds for me, as every second/minute/hour unfolds, i am completely willing to go wherever it takes me. today the weather was divine and i spent some time sitting outside reading, reflecting, listening to nature. i feel very close to God when i am outdoors. sitting on the earth, something His hands have formed. listening to sounds He likes to hear- wind, birds, laughter floating in the air.
besides being vulnerable and willing to embrace life, i am learning about boundaries. the liberty that comes with just saying "no." instead of just accepting every obstacle people throw at me. i don't want to do that, you can't treat me that way, this doesn't make me happy. drawing lines in the sand for people to keep them from taking advantage of me. the beauty of growing up!!
and, if this is even possible, i am overwhelmingly grateful. as always, but even more so. i love my family so much. i would never envy anyone elses family, or wish to trade anyone's place for my own. i have an overflowing, deep life. warmth and kindness and so much joy in my family and friends. people on the outside must look at me and say, geez how did that kid get so lucky? i have no idea.
hopefully this month i'll be a more dedicated blogger. hopefully this month will be the most fulfilling, beautiful october you and i have ever had. thank you for reading.
Monday, September 12, 2011
retrospect.
we have an old family portrait in our living room and today (i don't know why) i was examining it. in the picture, i'm guessing i was probably six or seven years old. i was a small, scrawny little thing with long, long, long brown hair and crooked bangs.. because i wouldn't sit still when my mom tried to trim them. i'm smiling i guess because the photographer instructed all of us to smile... and i'm clasping my mom's index finger with my little hand.
there is a very wide-eyed wonder on my face. my expression shows my innocence, and my desire to take everything in all at once. i was an adventurer. i was a dreamer. i was a pint sized actress; telling my dramatic stories, writing in my diary every day, making up things in my imagination. i wanted to be in everything at once and do everything that could be done. i'm pretty sure at that age, we all feel immortal.
i (big) was looking at me (small) and a part of me felt overwhelmed. if i could talk to myself as a child, i wonder what i would say? to meet little katie, if she would even listen to me, i wonder what i would tell her.
i certainly do not wish to rewind. i would never want to erase anything, no matter good or bad, from my past. i would tell her... this is going to be tough. there will be many, many happy moments. but then it will be tough. it's going to be quite a ride. there will be a lot of days that you don't know what to do. you're gonna be scared. you're going to cry a lot. but above all of that, you'll also be really happy. and you'll make it.
you'll turn out just fine.
there is a very wide-eyed wonder on my face. my expression shows my innocence, and my desire to take everything in all at once. i was an adventurer. i was a dreamer. i was a pint sized actress; telling my dramatic stories, writing in my diary every day, making up things in my imagination. i wanted to be in everything at once and do everything that could be done. i'm pretty sure at that age, we all feel immortal.
i (big) was looking at me (small) and a part of me felt overwhelmed. if i could talk to myself as a child, i wonder what i would say? to meet little katie, if she would even listen to me, i wonder what i would tell her.
i certainly do not wish to rewind. i would never want to erase anything, no matter good or bad, from my past. i would tell her... this is going to be tough. there will be many, many happy moments. but then it will be tough. it's going to be quite a ride. there will be a lot of days that you don't know what to do. you're gonna be scared. you're going to cry a lot. but above all of that, you'll also be really happy. and you'll make it.
you'll turn out just fine.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
seed and soil.
somehow or another, it's already/almost/soon-to-be autumn.
what is going on? why is the process of growing older basically a downward spiral of time slipping through your fingers like sand. why does life walk at a steady pace when you're a child but then as you age, it takes off running?
anyhow. autumn. fall. makes me think of thanksgiving. i love thanksgiving. absolutely my favorite time of year. the fact that suddenly our house is filled to the brim with family. so much laughter. enough hugs to last me until the next thanksgiving. the transition into december & christmastime.
every thanksgiving is something new. the idea of it and the traditions are always the same. we basically do the same exact thing every year. but each one of us has changed or grown in one way or another, so the vibe is different. but our chemistry as a family always works. we realize that we are all unique and we embrace that about one another. it makes us who we are.
i love my family. have you ever been in a room filled with twenty to twenty five people who all make you want to be a better person? it's an incredible feeling. "these people inspire me." you think to yourself. sometimes it's overwhelming. i live for the relationships God has formed in my life. i function best when i feel connected- deeply- with people. especially my family.
nothing will keep you motivated like reflecting on where you've come from. be it good or bad, you've grown out of something. you once were a seed. maybe your soil was beautiful. maybe everything came naturally for you, and you were blessed. or maybe your soil was a little more difficult. maybe growth has been a painful process for you.
i once was a seed. i think my soil was a mixture of good and bad things. for someone still pretty young, i've experienced a lot. loss, pain, fear, rejection... (as we all have, to some extent) but my family was mixed into my soil. my family and a VERY few close friends who have remained in my life, created a soil that God knew i could grow in. it hasn't been easy. and, like anything, i'll be growing a little every day until the day i die.
not everyone is as lucky as me to have the family i have. some people have had much more difficult soil to take root in. life isn't always simple, coated in sugar, with butterflies and fairies. but you can still draw energy from your soil.. things to keep you going. look how far you've come. look how much you've changed, for the better. look at all the things you've accomplished.
thanksgiving is coming, and i'm just thinking... no matter what you and i have been through, we have things to be thankful for this year. as time flies by. we each have our soil. we have what God's given us. we have what we need. we keep pushing up towards the sunshine. we keep growing.
what is going on? why is the process of growing older basically a downward spiral of time slipping through your fingers like sand. why does life walk at a steady pace when you're a child but then as you age, it takes off running?
anyhow. autumn. fall. makes me think of thanksgiving. i love thanksgiving. absolutely my favorite time of year. the fact that suddenly our house is filled to the brim with family. so much laughter. enough hugs to last me until the next thanksgiving. the transition into december & christmastime.
every thanksgiving is something new. the idea of it and the traditions are always the same. we basically do the same exact thing every year. but each one of us has changed or grown in one way or another, so the vibe is different. but our chemistry as a family always works. we realize that we are all unique and we embrace that about one another. it makes us who we are.
i love my family. have you ever been in a room filled with twenty to twenty five people who all make you want to be a better person? it's an incredible feeling. "these people inspire me." you think to yourself. sometimes it's overwhelming. i live for the relationships God has formed in my life. i function best when i feel connected- deeply- with people. especially my family.
nothing will keep you motivated like reflecting on where you've come from. be it good or bad, you've grown out of something. you once were a seed. maybe your soil was beautiful. maybe everything came naturally for you, and you were blessed. or maybe your soil was a little more difficult. maybe growth has been a painful process for you.
i once was a seed. i think my soil was a mixture of good and bad things. for someone still pretty young, i've experienced a lot. loss, pain, fear, rejection... (as we all have, to some extent) but my family was mixed into my soil. my family and a VERY few close friends who have remained in my life, created a soil that God knew i could grow in. it hasn't been easy. and, like anything, i'll be growing a little every day until the day i die.
not everyone is as lucky as me to have the family i have. some people have had much more difficult soil to take root in. life isn't always simple, coated in sugar, with butterflies and fairies. but you can still draw energy from your soil.. things to keep you going. look how far you've come. look how much you've changed, for the better. look at all the things you've accomplished.
thanksgiving is coming, and i'm just thinking... no matter what you and i have been through, we have things to be thankful for this year. as time flies by. we each have our soil. we have what God's given us. we have what we need. we keep pushing up towards the sunshine. we keep growing.
Monday, August 22, 2011
slide.
i miss fall weather. can't wait for it to return.
all i have for you today are some pictures that i found that inspire me. love the colors/emotion/texture.
hope your week is lovely.
all i have for you today are some pictures that i found that inspire me. love the colors/emotion/texture.
hope your week is lovely.
Monday, August 15, 2011
growing up.
so many changes going on in my life. emotional, inward, spiritual changes.
at the beginning of the year, i quit a job that could've become my career. i lost my passion for it, i realized my heart wasn't in it. i broke off an engagement and called off a wedding. which took a lot of courage because when you're a pastor's daughter- you have a lot of eyes watching your every move. it's scary to do something so drastic. it's shocking. you have a plan and then in a matter of days- you are back to the drawing board. no ideas. nothing mapped out.
i took some advice that one of my best friends had given me, and that was- simplify. and even though it contradicts the word, to make everything in your life simple can be very complicated. it's a process. it's a little tedious. when you set out to simplify your life you realize how much stuff you've jammed into every crack of it, and how it's just over flowing with complications.
when you decide to make things simple you start discovering that you have SO MUCH going on, it's overwhelming. you keep finding different things in your life that you've spent too many years worrying about, and you find things that you've missed because you put them on the back burner.
it takes weeks. months. to un-complicate and un-clutter your life. you find stuff and you say to yourself, "i hate this. why did i ever do this? i never even wanted this." so you throw it out. or you find something else and cry because you had forgetten how much your heart needed it.
i've decided that, for me, i was in this foggy-headed-sleepy state for the first twenty years of my life. and just in the past few years, i've started growing up. i love it. it's liberating. it's energizing. the discoveries to be made. the adventures to be had. the journey, the ride, the people, their voices and smiles, the places, the things you'll see and feel.
i love being alive. i love the fact that i'm living. and i'm really proud of myself.
at the beginning of the year, i quit a job that could've become my career. i lost my passion for it, i realized my heart wasn't in it. i broke off an engagement and called off a wedding. which took a lot of courage because when you're a pastor's daughter- you have a lot of eyes watching your every move. it's scary to do something so drastic. it's shocking. you have a plan and then in a matter of days- you are back to the drawing board. no ideas. nothing mapped out.
i took some advice that one of my best friends had given me, and that was- simplify. and even though it contradicts the word, to make everything in your life simple can be very complicated. it's a process. it's a little tedious. when you set out to simplify your life you realize how much stuff you've jammed into every crack of it, and how it's just over flowing with complications.
when you decide to make things simple you start discovering that you have SO MUCH going on, it's overwhelming. you keep finding different things in your life that you've spent too many years worrying about, and you find things that you've missed because you put them on the back burner.
it takes weeks. months. to un-complicate and un-clutter your life. you find stuff and you say to yourself, "i hate this. why did i ever do this? i never even wanted this." so you throw it out. or you find something else and cry because you had forgetten how much your heart needed it.
i've decided that, for me, i was in this foggy-headed-sleepy state for the first twenty years of my life. and just in the past few years, i've started growing up. i love it. it's liberating. it's energizing. the discoveries to be made. the adventures to be had. the journey, the ride, the people, their voices and smiles, the places, the things you'll see and feel.
i love being alive. i love the fact that i'm living. and i'm really proud of myself.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
"i'm bored." pt.2
in continuation of my hatred towards boredom, i decided to do a little digging (and some suggesting) to compile a list of things you can try/do/experience/attempt/discover if you ever have some "extra time" on your hands.
there's a lot of stuff. i had to tweak this list. because let's be real, i may have time to type all this.. but i'm not that bored.
1. write your own theme song
2. read someone's biography
3. go on a picnic
4. volunteer to babysit someone's kid (yes, for free)
5. call somebody you haven't talked to in a long time
6. start a blog (har-de-har)
7. take a free online class (i.e. learn something)
8. teach someone else something
9. get a haircut
10. make homemade cookies
11. google/read blogs on your favorite topic
12. set up a lemonade stand
13. make a sculpture
14. write a love letter
15. go find a pet rock... paint a face on it (can't go wrong)
16. take an IQ or personality test online
17. make a jello mold
18. write a short story
19. take some still-life pictures
20. donate clothes to goodwill
21. learn a magic card trick
22. plant a garden
23. go for a walk/jog/run
24. make a tinfoil hat
25. send some fan mail to your favorite celebrity
26. put on a ridiculous, crazy outfit and go out in public
27. draw on your sidewalk with chalk
28. make a 'free hugs' sign and go stand in the mall with it
29. construct your own baking soda volcano
30. learn how to stand on your head
31. cook an egg... every possible way
32. come up with a secret hand shake for you and your best friend
33. carve your name in a tree
34. print out a fake certificate of something for yourself
35. trim your own bangs (youtube videos make it simple)
36. use kool-aid to (temporarily) dye your hair a bright color
37. build a tall city out of popsicle sticks
38. sing. loud.
39. buy a fish
40. bring your grandmother some flowers
41. try to balance a pencil on your nose
42. learn to sew
43. try a new lipstick color
44. make a smoothie
45. roll down a hill
46. catch a lizard
47. write your will (morbid, but entertaining)
48. personal favorite- "try a sample of every ice cream at baskin' robbins but don't buy anything
49. make a tent to sleep in tonight
50. re-arrange all of the furniture in your room
well, get started.
there's a lot of stuff. i had to tweak this list. because let's be real, i may have time to type all this.. but i'm not that bored.
1. write your own theme song
2. read someone's biography
3. go on a picnic
4. volunteer to babysit someone's kid (yes, for free)
5. call somebody you haven't talked to in a long time
6. start a blog (har-de-har)
7. take a free online class (i.e. learn something)
8. teach someone else something
9. get a haircut
10. make homemade cookies
11. google/read blogs on your favorite topic
12. set up a lemonade stand
13. make a sculpture
14. write a love letter
15. go find a pet rock... paint a face on it (can't go wrong)
16. take an IQ or personality test online
17. make a jello mold
18. write a short story
19. take some still-life pictures
20. donate clothes to goodwill
21. learn a magic card trick
22. plant a garden
23. go for a walk/jog/run
24. make a tinfoil hat
25. send some fan mail to your favorite celebrity
26. put on a ridiculous, crazy outfit and go out in public
27. draw on your sidewalk with chalk
28. make a 'free hugs' sign and go stand in the mall with it
29. construct your own baking soda volcano
30. learn how to stand on your head
31. cook an egg... every possible way
32. come up with a secret hand shake for you and your best friend
33. carve your name in a tree
34. print out a fake certificate of something for yourself
35. trim your own bangs (youtube videos make it simple)
36. use kool-aid to (temporarily) dye your hair a bright color
37. build a tall city out of popsicle sticks
38. sing. loud.
39. buy a fish
40. bring your grandmother some flowers
41. try to balance a pencil on your nose
42. learn to sew
43. try a new lipstick color
44. make a smoothie
45. roll down a hill
46. catch a lizard
47. write your will (morbid, but entertaining)
48. personal favorite- "try a sample of every ice cream at baskin' robbins but don't buy anything
49. make a tent to sleep in tonight
50. re-arrange all of the furniture in your room
well, get started.
Monday, August 8, 2011
"i'm bored."
i'm a little bugged by the word "bored".
first of all, it's a bit over-used, isn't it? haven't we kinda used it to the point that it's overkill?
are you really bored? is there NOTHING that you can be doing, or are you just choosing to do nothing... ? and if you're choosing to do nothing, and some part of you is enjoying it... then you aren't bored.
or, maybe you haven't taken the time to seek out something to do. maybe you're really bored, but it's because you're too lazy to do anything about it.
or maybe being bored is comfortable for you. when you actually get up to get going and get something accomplished, you hate it. because you like being bored. boredom is your comfort zone. boredom is what you've done for so long, that you wouldn't have it any other way.
chances are, if you've ever said "i'm bored" out loud... one of the above statements applies to you. (let me just say this- i'm not really aiming this blog to people who might say "i'm bored" once in a blue moon, or half-jokingly.. i'm really addressing people who have a major issue with using boredom as an excuse to waste their lives. people who blame boredom for their misery... more than three or four times in one week, for example.)
i also need to tell you that sometimes i can understand genuine boredom when someone expresses how bored they are to me. sometimes my heart goes out to people (especially living in a small town like i do) because there is a major lack of "things to do" around here. however... and honestly... if you are passionate enough about being alive and experiencing great things around you, then you can avoid the trap of boredom.
you don't have to be bored. no matter if you have very few friends, no matter if you live in a town with a population of 20 people, no matter if you don't have internet access, no matter what your former excuses for boredom might've been.
being bored is a black hole that some people trip and fall into. unfortunately, it can lead to people making big mistakes with their lives because they had "nothing else to do".. like forming addictions, building walls between themselves and others, or spending time with the wrong crowd of people.
or, it can lead them to literally wasting days/months/years in doing things that are void of purpose like watching tv, playing video games, etc... you get it. boredom rarely leads to anything good. and i believe we can be deeply, spiritually bored inside of ourselves which can lead to even worse consquences if we don't realize that there is so much more to life than what we see with our human eyes.
it's heartbreaking to me as i watch kids, teenagers, and adults who lack creativity, motivation, depth... they don't dream, they don't take risks... they don't believe in themselves. instead they try drugs, empty relationships, hours of television. instead they become angry, depressed, or closed off. instead they choose to believe the lies that boredom tells us all... might as well go with them (even though they're horrible influences), nobody else wants to hang out with you. might as well play another hour of halo, nothing else to do. might as well do nothing, just like you've done for the past four days, nobody cares anyway.
boredom is a real problem. it's sad that our nation has come to this point, where we no longer encourage each other to invent/create/inspire. it's sad that instead, we basically teach that boredom is a normal part of life. it's not. it doesn't have to be.
(to be continued.)
first of all, it's a bit over-used, isn't it? haven't we kinda used it to the point that it's overkill?
are you really bored? is there NOTHING that you can be doing, or are you just choosing to do nothing... ? and if you're choosing to do nothing, and some part of you is enjoying it... then you aren't bored.
or, maybe you haven't taken the time to seek out something to do. maybe you're really bored, but it's because you're too lazy to do anything about it.
or maybe being bored is comfortable for you. when you actually get up to get going and get something accomplished, you hate it. because you like being bored. boredom is your comfort zone. boredom is what you've done for so long, that you wouldn't have it any other way.
chances are, if you've ever said "i'm bored" out loud... one of the above statements applies to you. (let me just say this- i'm not really aiming this blog to people who might say "i'm bored" once in a blue moon, or half-jokingly.. i'm really addressing people who have a major issue with using boredom as an excuse to waste their lives. people who blame boredom for their misery... more than three or four times in one week, for example.)
i also need to tell you that sometimes i can understand genuine boredom when someone expresses how bored they are to me. sometimes my heart goes out to people (especially living in a small town like i do) because there is a major lack of "things to do" around here. however... and honestly... if you are passionate enough about being alive and experiencing great things around you, then you can avoid the trap of boredom.
you don't have to be bored. no matter if you have very few friends, no matter if you live in a town with a population of 20 people, no matter if you don't have internet access, no matter what your former excuses for boredom might've been.
being bored is a black hole that some people trip and fall into. unfortunately, it can lead to people making big mistakes with their lives because they had "nothing else to do".. like forming addictions, building walls between themselves and others, or spending time with the wrong crowd of people.
or, it can lead them to literally wasting days/months/years in doing things that are void of purpose like watching tv, playing video games, etc... you get it. boredom rarely leads to anything good. and i believe we can be deeply, spiritually bored inside of ourselves which can lead to even worse consquences if we don't realize that there is so much more to life than what we see with our human eyes.
it's heartbreaking to me as i watch kids, teenagers, and adults who lack creativity, motivation, depth... they don't dream, they don't take risks... they don't believe in themselves. instead they try drugs, empty relationships, hours of television. instead they become angry, depressed, or closed off. instead they choose to believe the lies that boredom tells us all... might as well go with them (even though they're horrible influences), nobody else wants to hang out with you. might as well play another hour of halo, nothing else to do. might as well do nothing, just like you've done for the past four days, nobody cares anyway.
boredom is a real problem. it's sad that our nation has come to this point, where we no longer encourage each other to invent/create/inspire. it's sad that instead, we basically teach that boredom is a normal part of life. it's not. it doesn't have to be.
(to be continued.)
Monday, August 1, 2011
soapbox.
this generation coming up behind me kinda makes me nervous. teenagers seem to lack self respect, joy, ambition, and they crave a deep love that results in them searching for fulfillment in all of the wrong places. it breaks my heart. i feel helpless. i feel like david standing underneath goliath, except he was fearless.. and i'm just overwhelmed.
i know a handful of really remarkable young men and women. youth, under the age of 20, that really stand out. they give their best, they believe in honesty, they are trustworthy. i'm proud of them and i'm lucky to have them in my life. but it's sad that out of the hundreds of people i'm acquainted with, that only a handful of young people stick out.
it's easy to be average. bitterness, anger, drama, cat fights, foul language, flirting and acting foolish... they're just easy. they kinda come naturally to a lot of us. gossip is our second language. for some of us, it's our first. it's easy to fit in. just do what everyone else does. girls sell themselves short, they settle for any guy who knows how to sweet-talk. they crave attention so they say/dress/do whatever they can to get it.
there's a part of a hillsong chorus that says "break my heart for what breaks Yours" ...asking God to show us what hurts Him, and cause us to feel the same hurt. i think we, as a generation, break His heart every day. and for all of the ways we've gone wrong, and all of the things we can be doing better.. my heart breaks too.
i know a handful of really remarkable young men and women. youth, under the age of 20, that really stand out. they give their best, they believe in honesty, they are trustworthy. i'm proud of them and i'm lucky to have them in my life. but it's sad that out of the hundreds of people i'm acquainted with, that only a handful of young people stick out.
it's easy to be average. bitterness, anger, drama, cat fights, foul language, flirting and acting foolish... they're just easy. they kinda come naturally to a lot of us. gossip is our second language. for some of us, it's our first. it's easy to fit in. just do what everyone else does. girls sell themselves short, they settle for any guy who knows how to sweet-talk. they crave attention so they say/dress/do whatever they can to get it.
there's a part of a hillsong chorus that says "break my heart for what breaks Yours" ...asking God to show us what hurts Him, and cause us to feel the same hurt. i think we, as a generation, break His heart every day. and for all of the ways we've gone wrong, and all of the things we can be doing better.. my heart breaks too.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
a little respect.
i think this blog has been a long time coming.
i guess, oh.. over the past couple years or so, i've noticed how much this generation seems to be changing. and, kinda like this year, it's happening so fast. people- us- we- are changing so quickly. it's been hard to put into words, but today it all came to the surface and i have a few things to say about it.
it's sunday, so of course we went to church. i don't skip church. my parents raised me and my sisters to believe that unless you are in a hospital bed about to die, you go to church. my father, who is a pastor, also set a certain "standard" for us growing up- that you bring God your best. he calls it excellence- whatever you might say for it- in a nutshell, it means respecting Jesus.
this morning i went to church with my older sister. her and her husband are members of a church with a pretty young crowd. we sat in front of a row of teenagers. for the most part, teenagers can be a little unpredictable. but i expected them to be at least on semi-good behavior considering we were at church. however... i was wrong.
now, i'm not 87 years old. and i don't think that just because you're in God's house you need to be boring and lifeless. i can get past the occasional whispering to each other, and it doesn't even bother me when people pass notes. however- today- something took the cake. one of the young girls behind me (who was probably 14 or 15) decided she was going to take off her shoes and prop her bare feet up in the chair next to me during the sermon.
of course... you can imagine the millions of things i wanted to say to her. she was sitting between two teenage boys. and i don't know if she thought it would impress them to do this, or if she was just trying to get a laugh... ugh. i don't even know her, and she disappointed me.
this blog is about that girl. it's really about any girl like her. and it's about us. you and me. it's about mothers that haven't raised their daughters right. it's about youth pastors that don't teach kids how to act in church. it's about adults in church not leading by example. (!) it's about everyone, collectively, thinking that because God love us in spite of our sin, that He is perfectly o.k. with us presenting our second best to Him.
for the record:
1. no matter how a building is decorated or designed, no matter how impressive the lights/sounds/effects are, no matter how many people show up - if it's a place designated to worship God, then it should be considered pretty special. way back in the Old Testament, the word used would be "holy" which means set apart. so church isn't like your living room. church isn't your back yard.
you don't throw trash on the floor, you don't stick gum under the seat, you don't show up looking like you just rolled out of bed, and you don't prop your feet up and sit back like you're about to watch a re-run of 'sweet home alabama' on tbs.
2. i vividly remember that up until you are about 22 or 23, you are on a day-by-day journey figuring out who you are as a person. so i know that being a teenager can be tough, because one of the things that you really want SO badly is just to feel accepted and loved. you want your friends to like having you around.
but something that you will always need, and something that will make people genuinely like you, is respecting yourself. the word respect is so powerful. it is an honor to have someone respect you for who you are. to be true to yourself. no one... no one... is ever going to respect you until you respect yourself.
so ask yourself, what am i projecting to others around me on a daily basis? if i don't care what i say, or how i phrase things. if i don't care how i dress. if i don't care that someone finds it distracting if i put my feet up during church. if i don't care enough to pay attention to what God is doing. if i don't care enough to give him 2 hours of my entire week on sunday. do i come across as someone who has self respect?
3. the grace message is a beautiful message. the story of God's mercy will never get old. the verses on how often Jesus was moved by compassion for others are endless. we should never forget how much He loves us. He made each one of us completely unique from each other. He took the time to design us in all of our billions of different ways. He is loving, He is kind, He is generous and gentle.
but we know this about Him. and we take advantage of it. who do we think we are? taking advantage of the one true God. the only one, who, in spite of all of our screw-ups... is passionately in love with us.
we give Him our leftovers.. we are tired from a long week of work, so we doze off during a 45 minute church service. we just got dressed up last night for a date, so we're just going to wear torn-up jeans to church so we can be comfortable. we lost our voice screaming for our favorite team at the football game this weekend, so we don't feel like singing during the worship service. we have too much to do at home, so we can't bring the kids to church. or, we just drop them off. but we've never been to church with them so they don't know how to act.
i'll stop with my rant. you get the point.
2 timothy 2:15, romans 12:1-2, matthew 22:37, malachi 1:8
i guess, oh.. over the past couple years or so, i've noticed how much this generation seems to be changing. and, kinda like this year, it's happening so fast. people- us- we- are changing so quickly. it's been hard to put into words, but today it all came to the surface and i have a few things to say about it.
it's sunday, so of course we went to church. i don't skip church. my parents raised me and my sisters to believe that unless you are in a hospital bed about to die, you go to church. my father, who is a pastor, also set a certain "standard" for us growing up- that you bring God your best. he calls it excellence- whatever you might say for it- in a nutshell, it means respecting Jesus.
this morning i went to church with my older sister. her and her husband are members of a church with a pretty young crowd. we sat in front of a row of teenagers. for the most part, teenagers can be a little unpredictable. but i expected them to be at least on semi-good behavior considering we were at church. however... i was wrong.
now, i'm not 87 years old. and i don't think that just because you're in God's house you need to be boring and lifeless. i can get past the occasional whispering to each other, and it doesn't even bother me when people pass notes. however- today- something took the cake. one of the young girls behind me (who was probably 14 or 15) decided she was going to take off her shoes and prop her bare feet up in the chair next to me during the sermon.
of course... you can imagine the millions of things i wanted to say to her. she was sitting between two teenage boys. and i don't know if she thought it would impress them to do this, or if she was just trying to get a laugh... ugh. i don't even know her, and she disappointed me.
this blog is about that girl. it's really about any girl like her. and it's about us. you and me. it's about mothers that haven't raised their daughters right. it's about youth pastors that don't teach kids how to act in church. it's about adults in church not leading by example. (!) it's about everyone, collectively, thinking that because God love us in spite of our sin, that He is perfectly o.k. with us presenting our second best to Him.
for the record:
1. no matter how a building is decorated or designed, no matter how impressive the lights/sounds/effects are, no matter how many people show up - if it's a place designated to worship God, then it should be considered pretty special. way back in the Old Testament, the word used would be "holy" which means set apart. so church isn't like your living room. church isn't your back yard.
you don't throw trash on the floor, you don't stick gum under the seat, you don't show up looking like you just rolled out of bed, and you don't prop your feet up and sit back like you're about to watch a re-run of 'sweet home alabama' on tbs.
2. i vividly remember that up until you are about 22 or 23, you are on a day-by-day journey figuring out who you are as a person. so i know that being a teenager can be tough, because one of the things that you really want SO badly is just to feel accepted and loved. you want your friends to like having you around.
but something that you will always need, and something that will make people genuinely like you, is respecting yourself. the word respect is so powerful. it is an honor to have someone respect you for who you are. to be true to yourself. no one... no one... is ever going to respect you until you respect yourself.
so ask yourself, what am i projecting to others around me on a daily basis? if i don't care what i say, or how i phrase things. if i don't care how i dress. if i don't care that someone finds it distracting if i put my feet up during church. if i don't care enough to pay attention to what God is doing. if i don't care enough to give him 2 hours of my entire week on sunday. do i come across as someone who has self respect?
3. the grace message is a beautiful message. the story of God's mercy will never get old. the verses on how often Jesus was moved by compassion for others are endless. we should never forget how much He loves us. He made each one of us completely unique from each other. He took the time to design us in all of our billions of different ways. He is loving, He is kind, He is generous and gentle.
but we know this about Him. and we take advantage of it. who do we think we are? taking advantage of the one true God. the only one, who, in spite of all of our screw-ups... is passionately in love with us.
we give Him our leftovers.. we are tired from a long week of work, so we doze off during a 45 minute church service. we just got dressed up last night for a date, so we're just going to wear torn-up jeans to church so we can be comfortable. we lost our voice screaming for our favorite team at the football game this weekend, so we don't feel like singing during the worship service. we have too much to do at home, so we can't bring the kids to church. or, we just drop them off. but we've never been to church with them so they don't know how to act.
i'll stop with my rant. you get the point.
2 timothy 2:15, romans 12:1-2, matthew 22:37, malachi 1:8
Monday, July 11, 2011
summer sweet.
i really enjoy being a girl.
hard-pressed to find inspiration lately.
cut more of my hair off, finally painted my bedroom with the most calming color ever, finally spent time in the sunshine. really starving to move into a new chapter, with some changes and fresh faces in my life.
learned some things, still haven't learned enough.
this blog is boring.
but.. hopefully.. one day, i'll write a book.. on something-or-other, and you'll see it in a window of a barnes & noble. and you'll stop and say, "hey, that's the girl who writes that boring blog."
hard-pressed to find inspiration lately.
cut more of my hair off, finally painted my bedroom with the most calming color ever, finally spent time in the sunshine. really starving to move into a new chapter, with some changes and fresh faces in my life.
learned some things, still haven't learned enough.
this blog is boring.
but.. hopefully.. one day, i'll write a book.. on something-or-other, and you'll see it in a window of a barnes & noble. and you'll stop and say, "hey, that's the girl who writes that boring blog."
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
hello. goodbye.
i need to write more.
i say that to myself almost every day. but, like anything else in life, it requires 'making' time to do so.
today i have been thinking about the idea of "loss" and what it really means to "lose someone."
you can lose a person through death, or maybe you have lost them because your relationship didn't work out. or maybe you lost them because you "drifted apart" due to time/distance/whatever. as different as each of these are, they all come down to the same thing- you no longer have a person that you once had.
sometimes we lose someone that played a very small role in our lives.. and there may be a few days or weeks of missing them, but most of the time those smaller roles can be filled. other times we lose someone that had a significant place in our world. someone that, wether or not they were even aware of it, you counted on. you would rely on them. to even make it through a day, you needed them. they held a deep value in your heart.
and then, i think there is a different type of loss - which i can only describe by saying that sometimes people's 'position' in your life changes. sometimes they will be playing a certain role one day, and then the next day... they take on a completely different one. they shift. they change. or maybe you shift. you change.
either way, this is a loss also.
and i guess what i'm getting at with all of this is: losing someone, in any way, always brings up the potential to learn something. there is a lesson that life (and God) will try to teach you when you lose someone.
maybe you can reflect on the life of someone that has passed away, and you can be changed by their memories and the things that they taught you. or maybe you can look back and think about a friendship that no longer exists and at least be grateful that someone was willing to be your friend... and that you were willing to be theirs.
i have learned that loss doesn't always mean pain. and even in losing, you can win something- even if it's something small. you can grow. and you can allow yourself to be molded.
i have learned that sometimes... even the ugliest moments of life, are really just beautiful things in disquise.
i say that to myself almost every day. but, like anything else in life, it requires 'making' time to do so.
today i have been thinking about the idea of "loss" and what it really means to "lose someone."
you can lose a person through death, or maybe you have lost them because your relationship didn't work out. or maybe you lost them because you "drifted apart" due to time/distance/whatever. as different as each of these are, they all come down to the same thing- you no longer have a person that you once had.
sometimes we lose someone that played a very small role in our lives.. and there may be a few days or weeks of missing them, but most of the time those smaller roles can be filled. other times we lose someone that had a significant place in our world. someone that, wether or not they were even aware of it, you counted on. you would rely on them. to even make it through a day, you needed them. they held a deep value in your heart.
and then, i think there is a different type of loss - which i can only describe by saying that sometimes people's 'position' in your life changes. sometimes they will be playing a certain role one day, and then the next day... they take on a completely different one. they shift. they change. or maybe you shift. you change.
either way, this is a loss also.
and i guess what i'm getting at with all of this is: losing someone, in any way, always brings up the potential to learn something. there is a lesson that life (and God) will try to teach you when you lose someone.
maybe you can reflect on the life of someone that has passed away, and you can be changed by their memories and the things that they taught you. or maybe you can look back and think about a friendship that no longer exists and at least be grateful that someone was willing to be your friend... and that you were willing to be theirs.
i have learned that loss doesn't always mean pain. and even in losing, you can win something- even if it's something small. you can grow. and you can allow yourself to be molded.
i have learned that sometimes... even the ugliest moments of life, are really just beautiful things in disquise.
Monday, May 9, 2011
may showers.
alright. okay. let's make a list, shall we?
1. i love my hair short. i look at myself in the mirror and say out loud (almost on a daily basis) "why didn't i cut my hair off earlier?"
2. my sisters are the only two people alive that i can truly be myself around... every shade of my silly, loud, weird, quiet, stupid, nerdy, annoying self.
3. the biggest reason i wish i had more "extra money" is so that i could feed my shoe shopping addiction.
4. my healthiest friendships with the opposite sex have always been because they guy was younger than me, not older.
5. i hate choosing what to wear each day. the process takes sometimes 30 minutes to an hour. i try everything on, and hate all of it, and then usually go back to whatever the original idea was.
6. when i think of the concept of "heaven".. i don't think about streets of gold, i think about seeing my grandfather again.
7. in the past month or so, i have discovered and become aware that i am a really, really patient person. to be honest, it's something i love about myself.
8. the more i think about marriage/weddings... the more i really don't hate the idea of eloping.
9. i've seen 'tangled' over a dozen times and it's still my current favorite movie.
10. over 50% of the clothes i own are either taupe/beige/tan/off-white... somewhere in the neutral family. i guess i really like calming colors.
11. discovered a few funny video clips in my phone today, and they made me laugh... pretty sure God plans those small moments to bring joy to our lives.
12. growing up, 12 was always my favorite number. the end.
1. i love my hair short. i look at myself in the mirror and say out loud (almost on a daily basis) "why didn't i cut my hair off earlier?"
2. my sisters are the only two people alive that i can truly be myself around... every shade of my silly, loud, weird, quiet, stupid, nerdy, annoying self.
3. the biggest reason i wish i had more "extra money" is so that i could feed my shoe shopping addiction.
4. my healthiest friendships with the opposite sex have always been because they guy was younger than me, not older.
5. i hate choosing what to wear each day. the process takes sometimes 30 minutes to an hour. i try everything on, and hate all of it, and then usually go back to whatever the original idea was.
6. when i think of the concept of "heaven".. i don't think about streets of gold, i think about seeing my grandfather again.
7. in the past month or so, i have discovered and become aware that i am a really, really patient person. to be honest, it's something i love about myself.
8. the more i think about marriage/weddings... the more i really don't hate the idea of eloping.
9. i've seen 'tangled' over a dozen times and it's still my current favorite movie.
10. over 50% of the clothes i own are either taupe/beige/tan/off-white... somewhere in the neutral family. i guess i really like calming colors.
11. discovered a few funny video clips in my phone today, and they made me laugh... pretty sure God plans those small moments to bring joy to our lives.
12. growing up, 12 was always my favorite number. the end.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
new day.
well. another month. i guess people would say that this year is flying by. some days it seems to fly faster than others. for me.
i'm still studying a lot. there is always the dream of going back to school. i'm chasing the dream, but unsure if i'll catch it.
otherwise, life is quiet. every day is a journey, seperate and unique from the one before. every moment is like some dramatic reality tv show. i have my little battles, my struggles, my fears- and i have my happiness, and the smiles and joyful parts. but they're all jumbled together, sortof twisting up around me like sheets in a bed.
today i'm trying to keep my mind busy. really, really trying to keep my mind busy.
so. a project that i'm working on, is creating a website/blog where i can sell some of my clothes. although i don't personally think i'm exactly a 'fashion icon'... i have received some compliments on a few of my favorite items. and i haven't worn several of them in a while, so i figured- why not?
we'll see how that goes. i'm just basically a little girl playing with her toys. it seems like it would be fun, so i'll try it. i hope that all of you are enjoying the first taste of spring. thank you for reading.
i'm still studying a lot. there is always the dream of going back to school. i'm chasing the dream, but unsure if i'll catch it.
otherwise, life is quiet. every day is a journey, seperate and unique from the one before. every moment is like some dramatic reality tv show. i have my little battles, my struggles, my fears- and i have my happiness, and the smiles and joyful parts. but they're all jumbled together, sortof twisting up around me like sheets in a bed.
today i'm trying to keep my mind busy. really, really trying to keep my mind busy.
so. a project that i'm working on, is creating a website/blog where i can sell some of my clothes. although i don't personally think i'm exactly a 'fashion icon'... i have received some compliments on a few of my favorite items. and i haven't worn several of them in a while, so i figured- why not?
we'll see how that goes. i'm just basically a little girl playing with her toys. it seems like it would be fun, so i'll try it. i hope that all of you are enjoying the first taste of spring. thank you for reading.
Friday, April 29, 2011
twenty ninth.
his mercies are new every morning.
adele kept me company today. if you haven't heard this song, you should...
I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now
I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
adele kept me company today. if you haven't heard this song, you should...I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now
I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you
Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
twenty fifth.
today our home was converted into a day care. well, 4 children made it FEEL like a daycare.
we had fun with our little 2 week old cousin, reese. and this is a picture of my 3 yr old cousin, mandy, holding her. 
mandy reminds me so much of the way my sister, bethany, was as a little girl. she has always loved little babies. "can i hold her?"
adorable.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
twenty third.
this year, easter is growing on me a bit. (above- morgan and my cousin katelyn... *ahem*.. the easter bunny.)
Friday, April 22, 2011
twenty second.
i've been in a very melancholy mood these past few days.
my former wedding date is approaching. brings back a lot of memories, of course. i am dissapointed and still hurt by the fact that i'm no longer getting married.
and, of course.. there's just been many things adding to it. i'm very emotional, everything is making me cry, i'm in this reflective mindset and i can't help but wish-at times- that i could rewind. just for a moment. my sisters and i... we had the best childhood.
i think heaven will be much like being a little girl again. running free, laughing, no cares. and together. with my sisters. my family. and Jesus. together.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
twentieth.
did some speed shopping and found a dress for easter!
also, wednesdays mean kid's church. here's a snapshot of bonnie, who (literally) always comes to church dressed up as a princess. seems like something my future kid would do someday.
quote: "i used to be four but now i'm five." (bonnie) p.s. i hate blurry pictures.Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
eighteenth.
ashamed to say i almost forgot you today, mr blog.
i spent all day with my parents in lafayette!!! the dreaded *easter dress shopping* (groan)... guess what. i found nothing. so tonight, i've resorted to looking online. i'll keep you updated.
the end.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
seventeenth.
taught bill how to make cookies. went to church. watched 'the blind side'. spent two hours in a sign language/creative movement class with some of my favorite girls. and even took a nap somewhere in there. i do love a good sunday. Saturday, April 16, 2011
sixteenth.
so many things happened today! i did my 16 yr old cousin's hair/makeup for prom (she looked beautiful... and i forgot to take a picture), went to do a little shopping with my sister, then we spent some time at the park (where i read a math book, fun fun), and upon arriving back at my sister's house we watched a movie and made cupcakes!!! i loved today.
Friday, April 15, 2011
fifteenth.
i slept and exercised most of this day away. then i got in a car and tagged along with twenty two hyper, loud teenagers to the mall. it was a blast. we ate at the food court, i made some new friends, and we saw 'soul surfer' ...(yes, everyone was crying.)
there's only so much lighting in a movie theater. we were the ones trying to take pictures with my blackberry.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
fourteenth.
a very lovely day, working/chatting/laughing/playing. and time with three of my inspirations.
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