hello. goodbye.

i need to write more.
i say that to myself almost every day. but, like anything else in life, it requires 'making' time to do so.

today i have been thinking about the idea of "loss" and what it really means to "lose someone."

you can lose a person through death, or maybe you have lost them because your relationship didn't work out. or maybe you lost them because you "drifted apart" due to time/distance/whatever. as different as each of these are, they all come down to the same thing- you no longer have a person that you once had.

sometimes we lose someone that played a very small role in our lives.. and there may be a few days or weeks of missing them, but most of the time those smaller roles can be filled. other times we lose someone that had a significant place in our world. someone that, wether or not they were even aware of it, you counted on. you would rely on them. to even make it through a day, you needed them. they held a deep value in your heart.

and then, i think there is a different type of loss - which i can only describe by saying that sometimes people's 'position' in your life changes. sometimes they will be playing a certain role one day, and then the next day... they take on a completely different one. they shift. they change. or maybe you shift. you change.

either way, this is a loss also.

and i guess what i'm getting at with all of this is: losing someone, in any way, always brings up the potential to learn something. there is a lesson that life (and God) will try to teach you when you lose someone.

maybe you can reflect on the life of someone that has passed away, and you can be changed by their memories and the things that they taught you. or maybe you can look back and think about a friendship that no longer exists and at least be grateful that someone was willing to be your friend... and that you were willing to be theirs.

i have learned that loss doesn't always mean pain. and even in losing, you can win something- even if it's something small. you can grow. and you can allow yourself to be molded.

i have learned that sometimes... even the ugliest moments of life, are really just beautiful things in disquise.

may showers.

alright. okay. let's make a list, shall we?

1. i love my hair short. i look at myself in the mirror and say out loud (almost on a daily basis) "why didn't i cut my hair off earlier?"

2. my sisters are the only two people alive that i can truly be myself around... every shade of my silly, loud, weird, quiet, stupid, nerdy, annoying self.

3. the biggest reason i wish i had more "extra money" is so that i could feed my shoe shopping addiction.

4. my healthiest friendships with the opposite sex have always been because they guy was younger than me, not older.

5. i hate choosing what to wear each day. the process takes sometimes 30 minutes to an hour. i try everything on, and hate all of it, and then usually go back to whatever the original idea was.

6. when i think of the concept of "heaven".. i don't think about streets of gold, i think about seeing my grandfather again.

7. in the past month or so, i have discovered and become aware that i am a really, really patient person. to be honest, it's something i love about myself.

8. the more i think about marriage/weddings... the more i really don't hate the idea of eloping.

9. i've seen 'tangled' over a dozen times and it's still my current favorite movie.

10. over 50% of the clothes i own are either taupe/beige/tan/off-white... somewhere in the neutral family. i guess i really like calming colors.

11. discovered a few funny video clips in my phone today, and they made me laugh... pretty sure God plans those small moments to bring joy to our lives.

12. growing up, 12 was always my favorite number. the end.

new day.

well. another month. i guess people would say that this year is flying by. some days it seems to fly faster than others. for me.

i'm still studying a lot. there is always the dream of going back to school. i'm chasing the dream, but unsure if i'll catch it.

otherwise, life is quiet. every day is a journey, seperate and unique from the one before. every moment is like some dramatic reality tv show. i have my little battles, my struggles, my fears- and i have my happiness, and the smiles and joyful parts. but they're all jumbled together, sortof twisting up around me like sheets in a bed.

today i'm trying to keep my mind busy. really, really trying to keep my mind busy.

so. a project that i'm working on, is creating a website/blog where i can sell some of my clothes. although i don't personally think i'm exactly a 'fashion icon'... i have received some compliments on a few of my favorite items. and i haven't worn several of them in a while, so i figured- why not?

we'll see how that goes. i'm just basically a little girl playing with her toys. it seems like it would be fun, so i'll try it. i hope that all of you are enjoying the first taste of spring. thank you for reading.