thank you, cold weather, for finally deciding to arrive. you are romantic, you make me feel wide awake, you keep people on their toes, and it just seems like you put everyone in a better mood.
thank you, jesus, for keeping me warm with your love and your peace that fills my heart to the brim. and thank you, life, for being really wonderful even when you're difficult. it's all still worth it.
he said... "my grace is all you need. my power works best in weakness." -2cor12:9nlt
"God asks each of us to accept our own "cross"... our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today, the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it- this is our true cross....all this, and more, Christ asks you to accept and allow him to share.in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. what happens in this encounter with the crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies: his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement....his cry on the cross was our cry of desperate alienation from God taken up into his and transformed through the ressurection. as we allow ourselves to experience our own pain, we can know that what we feel is Christ suffering in us and redeeming us. rather than condemning ourselves for our weakness and making self-conscious efforts to try harder, we can allow the Crucified to love us in our brokenness."-brennan manning, 'the signature of Jesus'
celebrated my first birthday without my dad. he loved birthdays, and pretty much any special occasion. around this time of year, he would be asking me every other day.. "what'd ya get me for christmas? can i open it now?" ...i miss him.
it was a really beautiful weekend. i felt very loved. got a handful of starbucks gift cards, some very pretty rings, lovely winter boots, and a lot of warm hugs. shared some laughs, learned to appreciate the art of drinking hot tea, swapped getting-out-of-speeding-ticket stories, solved some "who-dun-it" mysteries, spent time with old friends and made some new ones.
the trees are changing colors and the wind is blowing. it's almost as if change is tangible, in the form of the weather. things are going to be really different. that's what the wind is saying. it's gonna be tough, but still good.
just very different.
life is an envelope that you climb inside of, and mail yourself off- hoping you end up in the right hands.
i will admit that this week has not been the easiest.
after you recover from the initial shock of someone's death, you hit this wall of emotions and it's like the weirdest roller coaster you've ever ridden. i've never in one week been so disappointed, confused, angry, relieved, grateful, at war and at peace.. all at once.
i hate to turn this blog into venting sessions about losing my father. but yesterday was basically horrible. one minute i was minding my own business at work, probably filing papers or something.. and the next, i feel myself starting to cry- i can't breathe- it feels as though someone is pushing down on my chest.. and i can't stop myself from sobbing. like a little kid.
somewhere in my mind i hear myself talking to me, or to my dad, and i felt like i suddenly asked him.. "you're not coming back, are you?"
a part of me really hoped it was a bad dream, his death. it's beginning to sink in that i am very much awake, and not dreaming at all.
i can see why people love pinterest. it fuels creativity. my co-worker is currently making me a wall decoration from toilet paper rolls. (don't judge..) and i have discovered my next project will be making a DIY braided scarf. i'll post pictures of these. scout's honor.it's a little weird and stiff feeling knowing that thanksgiving and christmas are so close. however, i feel very awake, very present, and very aware of the brevity of life. i am so grateful. so thankful for each moment, each waking hour that my eyes open and i inhale- a new day.it'll be my birthday soon. and november is my favorite month. i'm going to try to make the very best of it.
I’d like to thank you for teaching me rhythm, and how to clap my hands. I can’t remember a day passing that you didn’t clap about something, either with a song that might be playing or from the sheer joy you derived from life.
And everything you ever did, you did well. Without actually saying the words, you said, “I will do this with everything I am capable of, and I will take pride in it.”
Thank you for teaching me how to read a book without creasing the cover, keeping it in pristine condition.
Also- for teaching me how to: “strategically” pack a hundred suitcases into a trunk, detail a car, throw a curveball, polish a guitar, understand every player’s position in a football game, and fix any illness with your go-to solution- “drink orange juice.”
Thank you, too, for all of those millions of lead-by-example moments that I was never aware of until now. You were a hard worker. You were humble. You were passionate about worship and understanding the Bible.
And thank you for being who God made you to be. With your happy little kid laugh, your crisp communication style, your eloquence, your humor, and your genuine love for people.
I think if I could have said anything to you before you left this earth, I would have said, “Thank you for your patience with me.” I know I have been a stubborn daughter and I regret not always listening to your wisdom & advice, but somehow you had all the confidence in the world in me. Somehow you didn’t see me as an acorn- you saw me as a big, strong oak tree.
In the weeks before you died, I remember I called you and told you that you were a great Dad. I cried and you chuckled on the other end of the line and said, “Thanks, kiddo.”
Thousands of memories collect in my brain and brim over, I am grateful for each one. Grateful that I had the time with you that I did. Grateful that I will see you again.
Yes, I would definitely have said, “Thank you for your patience.” And I think I also would have wanted to say… “I will do my best to make you proud.”
I will try to make you proud.
