newness.

i am pleased to announce that i'm moving my blog to www.actuallykatie.com

...this blog will remain up for a while, because i'm so attached to it. but new posts will now be on the other site. i hope you'll continue to read and grow with me.

christmas eve eve.

i am not a believer in new year's eve resolutions because i think you should start immediately instead of using a specific date as an excuse for motivation... usually a motivation that flickers and fades out pretty quickly.

however, i am a believer in fresh starts.

i've basically been forced into a fresh start as of late. my dad's death marked a new chapter in my life in more ways than one. i am reminded of the brevity of life, jarred into a sense of reality, wide awake and re-evaluating everything.

i love to write.

i write on napkins, sticky notes, envelopes. i write small notes and ideas in the memo app on my phone. i have stacks of journals, and cases of them that i lost to hurricane katrina. i have hundreds of drafted emails and word documents on this computer. i love a blank, new sheet of paper but i cannot bear to leave it empty.

it has been difficult to keep the dozen-or-so random day jobs i've had, when forever in the back of my mind i'm thinking, "i need to write that down... i need to write this down... and this..."

it hurts me, physically, that i have not committed more seriously to my writing. God forgive me for not pursuing something you've made me passionate about.

the thing about being a writer is that you absolutely hate it. you love it, but really you hate it. every writer is a little weird. every writer has an odd expression behind their eyes. i've never met a writer that didn't look pre-occupied constantly.

you hear someone say something and you spend twenty minutes thinking about just one sentence that they've said, either thinking it would be a brilliant line in a story or that it's the worst thing you've ever heard. you'll laugh about it in a few weeks because you wrote it down somewhere and you'll never forget it.

(if you are my friend or family, i have one or more quotes from you written down somewhere. there is no question about it.)

writers are usually misunderstood. deeply complicated but profoundly simple. writers itch to understand, love strongly, and spend too much time in reflection. i know this because i am close friends with many writers, and i would like to say i am even related to a few.

my fresh start is that i will become the writer i want to be. i will actually work at it, not play around. so what, it's a dream. well it's not going anywhere unless i use it. it's just sitting there.

i regret that my dad died only have read a few of the things i had ever written. i regret that the people i love most have not yet held one of my books in their hands. i regret that i have yet to see my name in ink.

regret will get me nowhere.

new page.

holy fear.

how many times in the past few months have i sat alone in my room and told God, "i dont understand."

it isn't supposed to be confusing. i've decided this: i am not supposed to understand. i am a very, very, very little person on a very big planet. to God i'm probably just like the speck on 'horton hears a who'. i am not supposed to understand or question or be confused. i can take comfort in this... i am not alone. i'm safe. and whatever happens, is all part of a plan.

you can trust Jesus because you will never understand Him. it is the pursuit of Someone much greater than you can ever imagine that produces holy fear; reverence and awe of a Being that swallows everything in His path.

you can find peace and rest in the fact that this overwhelmingly huge God keeps His gaze trained on you. every single minute, of every hour, of every day. you can find relief from worry and stress because He is in control and you aren't, and you don't have to be, and you never will be.

so, feeling as if you are blind folded and groping for the light switch is all part of the joy of life. it is a free fall into completely trusting the grace of Abba. “i don’t know what i'm doing, but You do.” so you take every day believing that it will work out, you’ll be o.k. someone’s got an eye on you.

“i don’t know who i am, but You do.” the One who designed the shape of your face, the contours of your smile, the small cracking wrinkles around your eyes… He knows what His intention is for you. all you really have to do is get out of bed every morning and try your hardest to fully love and fear Him.

this is incredible. what a gift, to be so small! what a pleasure, to feel so tiny and so safe.

fear of the Lord leads to life. - Proverbs 19:23

not much.

signed into blogspot to discover that a draft i had written a few days ago posted on accident... charming.

in the least possible grinch-like-way, i am so ready for the holidays to be over. i have not had the greatest week. i have had a difficult month. and actually, overall, it's been a milestone year.

for the past several days i wasn't feeling so well. one day it was a fever, the next day it felt like a flu.. then just a cold.. i'm honestly really confused with the difference between all of those anyway. every day has been tough. every song heard has made me long for my dad. every hour seemed to drag. i have prayed and wept and spent more time sleeping than i would care to admit.

i understand that most of the beauty in life is the struggle and growing part. i understand that maturity comes with hard lessons. i understand that the endearing stories are the ones marked with tragedy and triumph.

sometimes i just wonder at the cards i've been dealt.

sorry, guys. next post will be more cheery. i would continue to encourage you to embrace every moment of your life.. thank you for reading, thank you for caring enough to share a moment of your day with me.

this is love.

I have been overwhelmed with the weight of Jesus’ love lately. how much he loves me. and the idea/realization that love was really what he was and IS all about.

My dad died a little over a month ago. I was at cane’s, with my cousin, eating french fries. Dad text me about coming home, wanting to know how late I was gonna be. he gave me the usual speech about driving safely, buckle up, etc. I responded to his text message by saying that I wasn’t tired but I wouldn’t be home too late. he answered back and told me to text him when I was almost home, and he would leave the porch light on for me and unlock the door right before I got there.

this was my last conversation with him. not even twenty minutes later, I received a phone call with my mother’s desperate voice on the other side, “I think your daddy just had a heart attack.”

what a story. the story of my father’s death.

you can learn a lot about someone by knowing what they said and did in the moments right before they died. the truth is, everyone will have a story of their death. some of us will see it coming, we will be old and grey. either in a hospital or in our easy chair at home. for others, death will come like a thief, with no warning.

my dad certainly did not know he was about to die. I can say confidently that none of us saw it coming. and as heartbreaking as it is to lose him, the moments before his death speak volumes of the life that he lead.

he was being love... by loving me, my sisters, my mom. by loving Jesus and loving people.

I hope that I can be that picture of the love of Jesus. that even in my last seconds on earth, I am caring about someone and showing them what love looks like. what a testimony it would be if in my last breath I was telling someone.. “be safe coming home. I’ll leave the light on for you. I’ll wait up to make sure you’ve made it.”

this is a picture of Jesus. sounds exactly like something he would say.

“by this all men will know that you are my disciples… if you love one another.” – Jesus said that in John chapter 13. if you want to be like Me, then love people. it’s that simple.

the story of Jesus’ life was that he loved people, and he loved his Father. this is also my dad’s story. this can be your story. I believe, now more than ever, that love is the solution to most of the issues I may face. and I hope it will be my story too.

winter's arrival.

thank you, cold weather, for finally deciding to arrive. you are romantic, you make me feel wide awake, you keep people on their toes, and it just seems like you put everyone in a better mood.
thank you, jesus, for keeping me warm with your love and your peace that fills my heart to the brim. and thank you, life, for being really wonderful even when you're difficult. it's all still worth it.

he said... "my grace is all you need. my power works best in weakness." -2cor12:9nlt

excerpt.

"God asks each of us to accept our own "cross"... our own wounds, our own limitations, our own personality defects, the damage people have done to us from the beginning of life until today, the pain of the human condition as we have personally experienced it- this is our true cross.

...all this, and more, Christ asks you to accept and allow him to share.

in his passion and death, Jesus has experienced my pain and yours and made it his own. what happens in this encounter with the crucified is that we enter into something that has already happened, our union with Jesus and all that it implies: his taking unto himself our pain, anxiety, fears, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement.

...his cry on the cross was our cry of desperate alienation from God taken up into his and transformed through the ressurection. as we allow ourselves to experience our own pain, we can know that what we feel is Christ suffering in us and redeeming us. rather than condemning ourselves for our weakness and making self-conscious efforts to try harder, we can allow the Crucified to love us in our brokenness."

-brennan manning, 'the signature of Jesus'

firsts.

celebrated my first birthday without my dad. he loved birthdays, and pretty much any special occasion. around this time of year, he would be asking me every other day.. "what'd ya get me for christmas? can i open it now?" ...i miss him.

it was a really beautiful weekend. i felt very loved. got a handful of starbucks gift cards, some very pretty rings, lovely winter boots, and a lot of warm hugs. shared some laughs, learned to appreciate the art of drinking hot tea, swapped getting-out-of-speeding-ticket stories, solved some "who-dun-it" mysteries, spent time with old friends and made some new ones.

the trees are changing colors and the wind is blowing. it's almost as if change is tangible, in the form of the weather. things are going to be really different. that's what the wind is saying. it's gonna be tough, but still good.

just very different.

monday.

life is an envelope that you climb inside of, and mail yourself off- hoping you end up in the right hands.

accepting.

i will admit that this week has not been the easiest.

after you recover from the initial shock of someone's death, you hit this wall of emotions and it's like the weirdest roller coaster you've ever ridden. i've never in one week been so disappointed, confused, angry, relieved, grateful, at war and at peace.. all at once.

i hate to turn this blog into venting sessions about losing my father. but yesterday was basically horrible. one minute i was minding my own business at work, probably filing papers or something.. and the next, i feel myself starting to cry- i can't breathe- it feels as though someone is pushing down on my chest.. and i can't stop myself from sobbing. like a little kid.

somewhere in my mind i hear myself talking to me, or to my dad, and i felt like i suddenly asked him.. "you're not coming back, are you?"

a part of me really hoped it was a bad dream, his death. it's beginning to sink in that i am very much awake, and not dreaming at all.

short sweet.

i can see why people love pinterest. it fuels creativity. my co-worker is currently making me a wall decoration from toilet paper rolls. (don't judge..) and i have discovered my next project will be making a DIY braided scarf. i'll post pictures of these. scout's honor.

it's a little weird and stiff feeling knowing that thanksgiving and christmas are so close. however, i feel very awake, very present, and very aware of the brevity of life. i am so grateful. so thankful for each moment, each waking hour that my eyes open and i inhale- a new day.

it'll be my birthday soon. and november is my favorite month. i'm going to try to make the very best of it.

daddy.

I’d like to thank you for teaching me rhythm, and how to clap my hands. I can’t remember a day passing that you didn’t clap about something, either with a song that might be playing or from the sheer joy you derived from life.

And everything you ever did, you did well. Without actually saying the words, you said, “I will do this with everything I am capable of, and I will take pride in it.”

Thank you for teaching me how to read a book without creasing the cover, keeping it in pristine condition.

Also- for teaching me how to: “strategically” pack a hundred suitcases into a trunk, detail a car, throw a curveball, polish a guitar, understand every player’s position in a football game, and fix any illness with your go-to solution- “drink orange juice.”

Thank you, too, for all of those millions of lead-by-example moments that I was never aware of until now. You were a hard worker. You were humble. You were passionate about worship and understanding the Bible.

And thank you for being who God made you to be. With your happy little kid laugh, your crisp communication style, your eloquence, your humor, and your genuine love for people.

I think if I could have said anything to you before you left this earth, I would have said, “Thank you for your patience with me.” I know I have been a stubborn daughter and I regret not always listening to your wisdom & advice, but somehow you had all the confidence in the world in me. Somehow you didn’t see me as an acorn- you saw me as a big, strong oak tree.

In the weeks before you died, I remember I called you and told you that you were a great Dad. I cried and you chuckled on the other end of the line and said, “Thanks, kiddo.”

Thousands of memories collect in my brain and brim over, I am grateful for each one. Grateful that I had the time with you that I did. Grateful that I will see you again.

Yes, I would definitely have said, “Thank you for your patience.” And I think I also would have wanted to say… “I will do my best to make you proud.”

I will try to make you proud.

just calm down.

the only thing i see on the news (it seems) is violence. and a huge issue in our schools today is violence. and i talk to teenage girls who are either indirectly involved in violence or have themselves struggled with violence. all forms of violence- from fist-fighting to yelling to cursing... you get it...

anger. rage. hate. revenge. malice.

to change the subject (and hopefully tie the two subjects back in together later)... Jesus was probably the coolest human being you could ever hear about. i've read about a lot of cool people, and some of them are definitely worth emulating. but no one has ever come close to being anything like Jesus.

not only did Jesus have a brilliant mind, but he learned (and showed us by example) how to master the roller-coaster that is human emotion. i'm sure there were millions of times he felt anger, and i know for a fact that he was treated cruely and had every right to be filled with rage. but Jesus was an incredibly calm man. he was a man that would exude peace into a crowd just by walking into it. he was nothing but gentle, nothing but kind, nothing but peaceful. no matter what the circumstance.

he was betrayed by one of his best friends, and the bible recounts the story of peter pulling out a sword and cutting off a slave's ear (trying to pick a fight, basically) out of his anger. (luke chapter 22) Jesus was about to be hauled off by these men, and instead of lashing out- he healed the servant's ear, and told peter to put his sword away.

i wonder what would happen in our high schools if, when one of us was punched or spit on, instead of fighting back, we would stop and pray, and ask God to heal the situation.

Jesus was anything but violent. as a matter of fact, the only sign of any form of "anger" that the bible gives us is when Jesus finds people selling common items inside of the temple. i'm sure he was insulted, hurt, and completely heartbroken. he reacted by toppling all of the tables over and saying (in what i think would be a dissapointed/frustrated cry) "the scriptures declare- my house will be called a house of prayer! but you have turned it into a den of thieves!" (matthew chapter 21)

it's also worth noting that immediately after doing this, the blind and the lame began pouring into the temple for Jesus to heal them. he was the picture of love and grace.

what i'm getting at is... if rage and hatred and anger fuel you to react in violence, then something is wrong. if you can't walk away from a fight, or if you can't turn off the TV instead of watching violence (which, in turn, makes you more comfortable around it), or if you can't choose to stay calm instead of getting angry... you need to evaluate your own heart and see if the peace of Jesus is really inside of you.

maybe this blog isn't for someone like you.... i know i'm not a violent person, but i've been exposed to it by some people who really need peace. if it IS for you, i'd like to pray with you. if not, find someone who needs prayer for their issues with violence. you probably already know a few people without even searching.

let's be nothing but gentle. nothing but kind. nothing but peaceful, no matter the circumstance.

mr. right.

ignorance really is bliss. do you remember being young, stupid, and completely happy?

...okay.

i think our expectations as girls change over the years. time wears us down, as it teaches it lessons it also kinda squishes our dreams with each passing hour... like jello.

as a six or seven year old, we dream of "prince charming" riding in on the white horse and sweeping us off into the sunset. then when we're twelve/thirteen we're like, "oh, if only he could have blue eyes!!" ...around sixteen we just want a guy who plays a sport. God, make him a future NBA player! and then into our early twenties it's like, "I'd just like a guy who prefers to be sober on the weekends." and a few years later... "nevermind, if he can just have a clean driving record i'll be happy."

so.. timeline time:

young girl: ridiculous expectations of a smoldering, strong man who is the perfect blend of sensitive, smart, and funny.

pre-teen: i no longer care if he's smoldering, he just needs to be cute and smile at me occasionally. wedding bells are ringing!!!

teenager: must have a sense of humor... a.k.a. act like a complete idiot because that's what's "cool" right now.

pre-adult: alright, who cares if he's funny. God just send me a decent man!! are there any of those alive?!

adult: nevermind. he's ugly. he has the personality of a frog. but he has a good driving record. wedding bells!!!

i'll speak for myself- i've lowered my standards a lot. i've let time chip away at me, i've let the jerks in my past wear me down and make me lose faith. i remember hoping for the perfect guy as a little girl and then, with every passing "season" of life, believing that someone perfect actually doesn't exist. he isn't real. i've created him in my dreams, he's fictional.

but a part of me (a very small part) has to figuratively keep it's fingers crossed. that part of me has to trust that this perfect guy is somewhere right now, waiting for someone like me. i realize he will not literally be perfect... he's human, so he'll have his flaws, but he will be perfect FOR me. he WILL be smoldering.. and funny.. and the perfect blend of sensitive and smart.

and, ya know what, he might even have a really great driving record.

well, hi.

it's very easy for me to get distracted with online shopping. there seems to be a sudden overflow of elephant-themed jewelry on every website i visit, and i can't stop myself from clicking on each and every piece.. and before i know it, an hour has passed.

dernit.

today was lovely. my life, really, at the moment is lovely. i will openly admit that i have very little sense of direction and, on a good day, about ten dollars to my name. but how can i complain? how can i be anything but grateful?

i find myself very vulnerable to what each day holds for me, as every second/minute/hour unfolds, i am completely willing to go wherever it takes me. today the weather was divine and i spent some time sitting outside reading, reflecting, listening to nature. i feel very close to God when i am outdoors. sitting on the earth, something His hands have formed. listening to sounds He likes to hear- wind, birds, laughter floating in the air.

besides being vulnerable and willing to embrace life, i am learning about boundaries. the liberty that comes with just saying "no." instead of just accepting every obstacle people throw at me. i don't want to do that, you can't treat me that way, this doesn't make me happy. drawing lines in the sand for people to keep them from taking advantage of me. the beauty of growing up!!

and, if this is even possible, i am overwhelmingly grateful. as always, but even more so. i love my family so much. i would never envy anyone elses family, or wish to trade anyone's place for my own. i have an overflowing, deep life. warmth and kindness and so much joy in my family and friends. people on the outside must look at me and say, geez how did that kid get so lucky? i have no idea.

hopefully this month i'll be a more dedicated blogger. hopefully this month will be the most fulfilling, beautiful october you and i have ever had. thank you for reading.

retrospect.

we have an old family portrait in our living room and today (i don't know why) i was examining it. in the picture, i'm guessing i was probably six or seven years old. i was a small, scrawny little thing with long, long, long brown hair and crooked bangs.. because i wouldn't sit still when my mom tried to trim them. i'm smiling i guess because the photographer instructed all of us to smile... and i'm clasping my mom's index finger with my little hand.

there is a very wide-eyed wonder on my face. my expression shows my innocence, and my desire to take everything in all at once. i was an adventurer. i was a dreamer. i was a pint sized actress; telling my dramatic stories, writing in my diary every day, making up things in my imagination. i wanted to be in everything at once and do everything that could be done. i'm pretty sure at that age, we all feel immortal.

i (big) was looking at me (small) and a part of me felt overwhelmed. if i could talk to myself as a child, i wonder what i would say? to meet little katie, if she would even listen to me, i wonder what i would tell her.

i certainly do not wish to rewind. i would never want to erase anything, no matter good or bad, from my past. i would tell her... this is going to be tough. there will be many, many happy moments. but then it will be tough. it's going to be quite a ride. there will be a lot of days that you don't know what to do. you're gonna be scared. you're going to cry a lot. but above all of that, you'll also be really happy. and you'll make it.

you'll turn out just fine.

will you.

...take me here?

seed and soil.

somehow or another, it's already/almost/soon-to-be autumn.

what is going on? why is the process of growing older basically a downward spiral of time slipping through your fingers like sand. why does life walk at a steady pace when you're a child but then as you age, it takes off running?

anyhow. autumn. fall. makes me think of thanksgiving. i love thanksgiving. absolutely my favorite time of year. the fact that suddenly our house is filled to the brim with family. so much laughter. enough hugs to last me until the next thanksgiving. the transition into december & christmastime.

every thanksgiving is something new. the idea of it and the traditions are always the same. we basically do the same exact thing every year. but each one of us has changed or grown in one way or another, so the vibe is different. but our chemistry as a family always works. we realize that we are all unique and we embrace that about one another. it makes us who we are.

i love my family. have you ever been in a room filled with twenty to twenty five people who all make you want to be a better person? it's an incredible feeling. "these people inspire me." you think to yourself. sometimes it's overwhelming. i live for the relationships God has formed in my life. i function best when i feel connected- deeply- with people. especially my family.

nothing will keep you motivated like reflecting on where you've come from. be it good or bad, you've grown out of something. you once were a seed. maybe your soil was beautiful. maybe everything came naturally for you, and you were blessed. or maybe your soil was a little more difficult. maybe growth has been a painful process for you.

i once was a seed. i think my soil was a mixture of good and bad things. for someone still pretty young, i've experienced a lot. loss, pain, fear, rejection... (as we all have, to some extent) but my family was mixed into my soil. my family and a VERY few close friends who have remained in my life, created a soil that God knew i could grow in. it hasn't been easy. and, like anything, i'll be growing a little every day until the day i die.

not everyone is as lucky as me to have the family i have. some people have had much more difficult soil to take root in. life isn't always simple, coated in sugar, with butterflies and fairies. but you can still draw energy from your soil.. things to keep you going. look how far you've come. look how much you've changed, for the better. look at all the things you've accomplished.

thanksgiving is coming, and i'm just thinking... no matter what you and i have been through, we have things to be thankful for this year. as time flies by. we each have our soil. we have what God's given us. we have what we need. we keep pushing up towards the sunshine. we keep growing.

slide.

i miss fall weather. can't wait for it to return.
all i have for you today are some pictures that i found that inspire me. love the colors/emotion/texture.

hope your week is lovely.

growing up.

so many changes going on in my life. emotional, inward, spiritual changes.

at the beginning of the year, i quit a job that could've become my career. i lost my passion for it, i realized my heart wasn't in it. i broke off an engagement and called off a wedding. which took a lot of courage because when you're a pastor's daughter- you have a lot of eyes watching your every move. it's scary to do something so drastic. it's shocking. you have a plan and then in a matter of days- you are back to the drawing board. no ideas. nothing mapped out.

i took some advice that one of my best friends had given me, and that was- simplify. and even though it contradicts the word, to make everything in your life simple can be very complicated. it's a process. it's a little tedious. when you set out to simplify your life you realize how much stuff you've jammed into every crack of it, and how it's just over flowing with complications.

when you decide to make things simple you start discovering that you have SO MUCH going on, it's overwhelming. you keep finding different things in your life that you've spent too many years worrying about, and you find things that you've missed because you put them on the back burner.

it takes weeks. months. to un-complicate and un-clutter your life. you find stuff and you say to yourself, "i hate this. why did i ever do this? i never even wanted this." so you throw it out. or you find something else and cry because you had forgetten how much your heart needed it.

i've decided that, for me, i was in this foggy-headed-sleepy state for the first twenty years of my life. and just in the past few years, i've started growing up. i love it. it's liberating. it's energizing. the discoveries to be made. the adventures to be had. the journey, the ride, the people, their voices and smiles, the places, the things you'll see and feel.

i love being alive. i love the fact that i'm living. and i'm really proud of myself.